Status Quo

I'm happy. It's weird to say, but it's the truth as I have come to understand it.

This is pretty far from where I was a little over a week ago, as I experienced my first anxiety attack ever. Walked around campus and calmed myself by talking to K, who is absolutely amazing. Ended up coming back a little later and I resorted to talking to Katie, who I had avoided conversing with for almost a week in an effort to feel better.

That morning, I had written an emotional letter to her and dropped it in the mail. Such a nice way to release emotions.

By the time the next night was over with, I was happy. It had some to do with getting the position in the college democrats organization I wanted. It had a lot to do with having a fun weekend, which proved to me that I CAN still have fun. But I think it also had a lot to do with a fundamental internal shift away from thinking about what I could have had, and toward thinking about what I want to (and can) have.

I'm back to chasing cute girls and feeling let down when my clever little flirtatiousness is not returned. The thrill of the hunt is livening and something I have really missed. Although also not something I feel like experiencing frequently for TOO long.

Getting the college dems board position has been huge for me so far. Very nice to feel busy again. It's a much more active organization than I had realized even as a relatively active member. So much money involved, and a lot of really dedicated colleagues. Get to do some cool stuff!

P.S. I miss being around asian girls at home who always have their cameras with them and ready to go. My facebook picture list is failure.

Ehhh

I think my post on the 24th was false. Or not false, but fleeting. I could almost write a similar one now, but it would probably be just as temporary.

Better...

I think I am genuinely starting to recover from the puddle of depression that so encapsulated the last post. Part of it is perspective. Part of it is enjoying other things. Part of it is distance.

Angle over distance.

As most of you know, I've been on a crusade to make more friends. It isn't going quite as well as if I were a hot girl in a movie, but I have made reasonable progress. Kind of worries me that the progress is less toward a group than a scattershot web of friends only connected to me, but I can think about that some other time.

Friday night I got invited to a party by a girl I met at orientation last year and have made smalltalk with a couple of times since then. So pretty random. I decided to try it out and go. And she wasn't there. Ended up staying and meeting a bunch of new people and not having a terrible time, so that was a nice distracting night.

Saturday night I headed out to S's frat's party. It's a semi-geeky but semi-cool group of guys that generally have mellow but fun parties. Met some fun people and got to spend some time acting like someone else. It was really weird how many random girls from American University were there. Another nice way to distract my brain. Innocently!

Sunday morning I headed out to Pentagon City (which is a mall hooked up to a metro stop conveniently) with A (Katie's biffle who I enjoy as well) for our first cooking class. A free hour-long technique class put on by Williams-Sonoma in the hope that you then buy their stuff. We thought it would be a bit more hands-on than it ended up being, but it was still fun. Free steak is free steak.

So the weekend was pretty good overall and let me really relax in a different sort of way. Two nights of partying in a row. My body didn't like me on Sunday. And once I got that kind of fun out of the way I got to turn to a more intellectual sort...

Monday night was kind of like a dream for me. David Plouffe was speaking at an event co-hosted by the College Democrats and I had a ticket for it as well as the smaller reception afterward. For those who don't know, Plouffe was Obama's campaign manager. The most memorable way he was mentioned during the campaign was by Obama the night he won the general election:

To my campaign manager David Plouffe, my chief strategist David Axelrod, and the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics – you made this happen, and I am forever grateful for what you’ve sacrificed to get it done.

He's also young. Early 40s. That's pretty ridiculous for the number of successful campaigns he has already won. He is writing a book about the campaign that reportedly got a $1,000,000+ advance for him, and was getting pard ~$16000 for the speech and reception.

His speech was pretty basic. Definitely good and interesting, but nothing too exciting. Not surprising with the amount that I follow this stuff that I felt like a lot of it was regurgitated. Still nice to listen to him up close and hear him answer questions from the audience. He talked a lot about the power of the grassroots and how advertising and speeches only go so far.

I ended up sitting next to and chatting with a girl C, who was as into politics as I am and was matching my witticisms throughout the event. I found a friend!

The reception after was also a blast. Plouffe was obviously a little bit energized by getting to hang out with enthralled college kids instead of wealthy business executives. He stuck around for almost an hour, most of the time surrounded by a throng of students asking him questions and taking pictures. I was early in the crowd to talk to him ("What would you have done differently?") and ended up having a relatively interesting conversation with his handlers off to the side.
He, like Obama, really is very easy going while still being deadly serious when he needs to be. The kind of boss I want to be able to become, if I can figure out a way to chill out a little bit. We'll see...

Last night was another special event. Former Vice President and '84 Democratic Presidential Nominee Walter Mondale was being interviewed and a new documentary about his life was being screened. Before the event started for me, there was a reception upstairs for him and a bunch of people he had worked with over the years, as well as some of his grandchildren.
All these special guests stayed for the interview and documentary (with a fair number appearing in it) and I ended up sitting in a section mostly filled with cranky old men who used to work closely with Mondale. They were shooting political jokes back and forth and laughing their asses off, and it was some good fun. Always nice to end up sitting next to someone interesting as well. Also ended up a few seats away from the reporter who wrote this story. Could see him scribbling furiously as it was being said and had little doubt it would be on the web by the time I got back.
Mondale stuck around for a little bit afterward as well, although in a less formal reception setting. Basically just a throng around the stage. He has definitely lost a step mentally, but is still cunning and was eloquent most of the night. And hilarious with his dry humor in response to Frank Sesno's occasionally assholic questioning.

Tonight was another political event—the College Democrats/College Republicans health care debate. I went with C and it was better than I expected, although I did want to run down to the Dem side a few times and whisper some better talking points in their ears. With how wrong the right is on the issue, the slight win for the blue guys was a little underwhelming.

Sec State Hillary Clinton and Sec Def Bob Gates are coming in a couple of weeks for a joint event. It may end up being very hard to get tickets, but hopefully I can score one.

On another topic, I have been trying to move out of my dorm, and the room swap system finally opened at the start of this week. I got pretty close to swapping into one of the nicest dorms on campus, but met the guy I would be rooming with and ran for my life. Hopefully I don't come to regret that.
And now it's the weekend again and it will be interesting to see if I end up having any night life type fun.

How Fickle!

Okay... prepare yourself to read some angst and deliver some advice in the comments section. Be forewarned, you may be disgusted with me as a person when you finish.

Since my last full entry, kind of a lot has happened:
1) I got to spend a nice long night chatting with C.
2) Katie came up and we went camping in Napa Valley for a couple days.
3) I flew back to DC for school.
4) Katie came to DC to see me/everyone for a long Labor Day Weekend.
5) Emotional period!

Let's cover these in a bit more detail!

1) Thank you. That night really helped me get my thoughts in order before camping and lead me to my own answer on what needed to be done. Now that I am where I am, the effects are still really bothering me, but it's also somewhat clearly the right decision. And even some stuff to keep in mind for the rest of my life! I will force you to have more such conversations in the future.
2) Everything is so much better in person. It's kind of a weird paradox that because seeing her solved some of the issues I was having mentally, I was more secure in my conclusion that long-term long-long-distance would not work. The visits are what make it worthwhile and great, and it simply wouldn't be possible to execute a sufficient number of them. At the same time I occasionally can't quite get past the fact that I am not fighting for something that usually makes me incredibly happy because of what might happen if I do. Oh logic.
The camping itself was fantastic. The site we picked out, at Bothe-Napa Valley State Park (#7), was spacious and clean and just close enough to the creek that the babbling water could soothe us to sleep. We did learn that it's very cold at night in Napa Valley, and that he weren't completely prepared for it. Got through that okay though. Nothing like some creative huddling to warm up. Blanket cocoons saved the night!
We had a small problem with very interested stinging insects while cooking, but took care of that right quick. And had a nice hike on a shady mountainous trail that was kept at the perfect temperature by the midday sun. The trip took a lot of planning, but I'm pretty sure I would do it again, maybe only for someone I like this much though.
3) I took a red-eye the night of Aug 28th and took the metro straight from the airport to school. I reminded myself of a few things. Just because heavy bags have wheels, it does not mean that carting them, plus more heavy luggage atop them, will be easy on the arm muscles when your new shitty ass dorm is fifteen minutes of city from the metro stop.
My room really is in the corner of campus, and is not very large. I organized it pretty well, moving all the furniture to better utilize the space. I also ended up taking a screwdriver to my desk hutch and prying off the back so I can look through it and out the window (into the boring courtyard).

It was nice to meet up with old friends again and catch up on what we did over the summer. And okay to start classes within 48 hours of landing in DC. May as well.
4) Katie's visit was a mixed bag of emotions. There were a lot of people she wanted to see (who knew she was this popular??) and things she wanted to do, and not that many days to do them in. I wasn't quite able to control my angst the first night she was here. I need to be better about this. Not the showing it, but the timing of it. My mind picks pretty terrible times to throw temper tantrums. I need to be better at delaying it for later when it's more appropriate and less painful to those around me. I've conquered my anger issues from adolescence, so this can be next up.
The rest of the visit, minus one additional rather unfortunate hiccup, went really well. I spent a lot more time than I thought I was going to get to with her, and legitimately enjoyed quite a few of her friends. Who, I am now, slowly but surely, trying to make my own as well.
The weekend also spoiled one of my friends for me, who was a bit of a pest the entire time Katie was here and who I can no longer look at quite the same way. I'm sure everyone here remembers the How I Met Your Mother episode where the sound of glass shattering is prevalent. That.
With all that in mind, I cherished pretty much every minute I was with her. Our last night ended with what became our tradition at the end of last year, which is a walk around the lit monuments on the National Mall. Just like in May, it rained on us, but this time it was absolutely pouring for some of it. We persevered and it was a great time. The Lincoln Memorial is such an incredible place.
I hate Super Shuttle. All it holds for me are sad memories.

5) 0 AK (After Katie)
I am not enjoying life right now. Chinese (which I am taking the first course of) is kicking my ass more than I expected, and right now I am pretty much just hoping to get through this semester with a passing grade. Unlike in the spring, I am not happily busy between classes and an internship. I have too much free time to be happy (even after studying Chinese for hours a day) but not enough to do anything real with. Maybe I can find a part time easy job somewhere.
The extra time issue is exacerbated by a couple of things. The larger is that it gives me more time to think. I don't want to think right now. I want to be consumed by whatever I am doing and wake up later in a better state of mind. The other is that my current dorm is way off in the corner of campus, making it more difficult to utilize my free time in an enjoyable way, since friends aren't across the hall anymore. As soon as room swap opens up (3 weeks into the semester) I will be trying to get out of this personal hell. I need a roommate and to be close to people I know.

On a happier note, I read a delightfully snarky book about grammar. Eats, Shoots & Leaves.
My biggest fear right now is that this year is going to be a depressing waste of my life. I'm not sure how to save it from being that. And right now all I want to do is think about Katie, which just causes it to spiral a little more.

If I do somehow get better at Chinese and continue it next semester (which would then fulfill my language requirement), that would be another four months without an internship, since it has to meet so many times a week. Not sure if I am willing to give that chance up. Also not sure if I will be home for the summer. Time shall tell...

I leave you by telling you what I am wearing. A delightful new shirt.

This ended up longer than what I think was my previous record! That one is a bit more worldly though...

Food

I can't stop thinking about it lately.

First, I read Service Included: Four-Star Secrets of an Eavesdropping Waiter by Phoebe Damrosch. She describes working in one of the best restaurants in the nation, and describes it as something pretty irresistible. The attention to detail and every wish of their clients is almost stunning. It really makes me want to go to a restaurant like it sometime in my life, even if it means blowing two weeks of pay on a few hours of eating.

Then I saw Julie & Julia while visiting Katie last weekend, which if you don't know, is all about the famous Julia Child and a blogger trying to cook all of her original recipes in one year. It's definitely not a traditional plot-type movie, but is quite well done and hard to look away from (especially when Merryl Streep is on screen). Once again, they tout an exquisite attention to detail and the joy that food can bring into a situation. I came home from the movie and have wanted to get dirty in the kitchen ever since. I want to be good at it, which is something I doubt will happen until I am old enough to have my own well-stocked kitchen and time to spend in it.

C and I have been planning a kitchen session soon, and it should be fun. But I couldn't wait that long. Decided to go after an easy recipe today and see how it turned out. Someone in my family had mentioned how bad banana bread is for you, so it was a natural choice. After tinkering with the recipe enough to cover the slight inadequacies of my kitchen's supply cabinet and to include some blueberries I was craving, it was done in no time.
It went pretty well. I didn't do a great job transferring it to the baking pan and let the blueberries be mostly on the bottom, and the bread part turned out a little dry and not quite banana-y enough for me, but it's still some good Chocolate Chip Blueberry Banana Bread. Heat it up and toss on some butter and it's heavenly.

(Almost) everyone is off camping and enjoying themselves. I am not. I am sad about this. I am also quickly coming to realize just how little time I have left in my summer. I will be moved into my new (shitty) dorm room by this time two weeks from now. I spent most of the day in a brooding emo angst session, partly without good reason and partly because of stuff with K I just can't quite bring myself to let go (and other stuff I don't want to think about but can't stop myself from). Do I need to learn to give less of myself?

I want everyone back from camping and I want to see people more. Particularly the other C, who I feel like I have been missing all summer after really looking forward to more time with her. She could explain away this angst, I have no doubt.

"I hate laziness. I hate excuse-making. I hate rationalization and self-bullshitting. I hate willful ignorance. I hate watching people piss away their potential. I hate it when people blame everyone but themselves. I hate mental weakness."

Anonymous quote wins.

Four Letter Words

My mind seems full of them.

Currently in upstate New York at the family Camp I go to most summers. A place full of an infinite number of good memories for me. And yet it seems to have lost some of its magic. There have been flashes of brilliance during the week, but also long slogs through monotonous annoyances. What's been going on this week barely resembles what I recall so fondly from my childhood.

Maybe it's just because I was more ignorant then, but I don't think I had fully realized how separate my immediate family is from a lot of the extended family we run into here often. In terms of mindset and life situation, mostly. My brother seems to fall closer to the cousins than to myself and my parents. Can't wait to be rid of him for a while again.

I've decided summer sucks in comparison to shorter school breaks like Christmas and spring break. Everyone gets to encapsulated in doing their own thing that it feels nowhere as cohesive and is simply not as fun. Although I do love the chance to get back into umpiring. Even that is kind of annoying when I realize that the work I am doing and my upward movement in the organization could all be forgotten once I stop coming home every summer. Which could be after this one.

It's weird. At the same time I realize that I am enjoying Camp less than in years past, the only thing I can think about is introducing another to the experience. It would be incredibly different to bring someone, but I have decided it would be much better? Maybe?

I have never been good at living in the moment. Which I think helps me considerably professionally, but isn't the most fun trait currently in other ways.

Fake Summer Vacation

It's been a while since I've blogged. That is the duration of my happiness, basically. Now that I am in a foul mood I can return to the medium with a proper amount of angst.
Visiting Katie in Santa Barbara was fantastigreat. I spent around 5 days in the sun/fog enjoying both her and her friends. The meeting of the parents went pretty well (duh) and I felt like a part of her friend group surprisingly easily. I guess I have been well-trained for hanging out with a bunch of semi-obnoxious girls. Plus, I keep discovering that Katie and I have more in common than I thought. Basically our families are near identical matches for each other, just shifted a little older. It's nice.

It was a nice relief to have the (stretched out) visit go well, too. The first half hour after I arrived was definitely a little weird, if only to be seeing her outside of DC. It was sort of like we both had no idea what we were supposed to be doing and couldn't tell if the other person was the same off-campus. Luckily we got past that and had a blast for the next five days. Which I spent pretty much all of in her presence without tiring of her. Fantastic.

Also shitty due to the whole her-going-abroad-all-of-next-year thing. But I'm not thinking about that yet. Or so I keep telling myself.

Can't wait for her to come up here in a couple weeks and see how she fits in with you all. Will be interesting to watch, at least. (CS2 knows how true this is for me.)
Umpiring has been weird this year. There's an old umpire saying, which is that people expect you to, "be perfect on day one and keep getting better." I missed over half of the season, which is normally the time when everyone is working out kinks. Now I am still in that stage of slight discomfort with my mechanics and inability to focus while everyone else is geared up for the post-season. I have a couple more games this week, then a week off before the important games start. Hopefully I can get both the physical and mental stuff worked out before then and rock out when the time comes. This may be the first time I've ever had any doubts that would happen.

I'm really excited for everyone to be home. Good luck on your finals and (quick!) trips home.