Junior Year

Is over. Which is absolutely insane. I have four classes left at GW and am about to start a summer internship I should be very excited about. I'm like a real person. Or, at least, about to be.

This year has been really good. Which is weird, because I think if you described some of the major events of the year to me back in August I would have said I wouldn't be very happy with it. But I found some amazing friends who I really click with and am totally comfortable with. College Dems as been a lifesaver for me. I honestly don't know where I would be without it these past two years. It has taught me so much, about planning, making connections, and managing people. It has given me, in one way or another, basically all of my good friends. It's quality, and honestly I'm very sad to see my major participation in it coming to an end. I'm a little worried that it's ending and friends are drifting and the summer won't be very fun and the fall will be a terrible purgatory between being a college student and being a real person. Okay, maybe more than a little worried.

I don't know how to be a real person though. How do you make friends when you aren't in classes with new people and basically being forced to meet people constantly? How do you find connections that make you really happy? I just don't really understand.

I'm quickly remembering just how crappy post-girlfriend-going-abroad depression is. Why.

My life, summed up

Also, 3.5 days until the two biggest events of the College Dems year... on the same day. Going to be a show...

Tonight I was walking E home while we were both exhausted (it was only around midnight though) and across the street from us a seemingly-homeless man was apparently pestering some college girl. I stopped to watch and make sure she walked away okay, as did the drunk guy walking behind me. A guy on the other side of the street made a point of going up and intercepting the man and answering his questions while the girl walked away, at which point all three of us resumed our normal daily lives.

DC is a bit infamous for no one caring about anyone else, and GW probably more so, but seeing a little thing like that happen (with every young guy in the vicinity behaving very well) gives me some hope for the world.

Jealous

When did I become such a jealous person? I feel like I used to be a lot more self-confident and want a lot less of what other people have. I guess this goes with my failure to be content outlined below, but it's still party darn annoying.

Don't really know how to fix it, either. Distance myself from what I'm jealous of? I feel like that will only make me feel worse and thus more jealous. Grab on to what I'm jealous of tighter so I miss out on less? Impractical.

I remember being content, for so long, with having no life and few friends. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being happy with that instead of having gotten to experience so much more and want to go back to that instead.
This was a lot of fun though. Just not quite the right kind of fun to make me ecstatic. Which sounds ridiculous when I think about it but is super true.

Uhhh

E said today that I'm totally going to be super fatherly and will definitely have kids.

Scary.

Days

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in a very, very long time. Today is just weird. Oh well.

Content

CS's latest post mentioned her being content. I sometimes feel like that word is not in my emotional vocabulary.

Cling

It's been a while since I've written in this space. I've been tumbling away, but sometimes you just have to go back to the blog and express. First, some catching up:

Winter break was fun. It wasn't exactly everything I had hoped it would be, and I can definitely feel all of us growing into our separate lives more and more as time goes on. In some ways it's a bit depressing, but it's also nice to watch. The easy, dumb, laid-back fun that comes easily is always nice to get back to. I think I timed my departure perfectly to prevent myself from getting too incredibly bored after the UCers left, but now I'm longing for more relaxation time.

The few days I spent near Philly visiting E were pretty great. Not the most restful of weekends, but a ton of fun. Meeting and fam and friends is always an experience, but it was survived with no disasters, and with a lot of fun mixed in. Going in I was definitely a little bit worried about getting through a full three days together without getting sick of each other's presence, but we thrived and kept up the happiness. More on that later, though.

I'm through my first week of the semester, and for the first time am legitimately worried about possibly having over-committed myself. On the face of it, interning 3 days a week while stacking my 5 classes on the other two is the same as last spring, which I quite enjoyed. Only now I also have college dems work/events on top of it, the classes I'm taking are harder, and the internship days are longer. Not sure if I'll survive at this rate. Thinking about asking to drop down to two days a week instead of three, but not sure if that will work.

The work itself is pretty mixed. Unlike last spring, I'm not in a really social office with constant interaction and plenty of interesting things going on. Where I am now is definitely plenty political, and has it's interesting parts, but is not that social. I have my own cubicle and get most of my assignments over e-mail, and it's just kind of a depressing way to spend the day, even when doing cool things. I certainly am learning a lot about gubernatorial candidates throughout the nation, though! Yay! hehe.

I'm also a little bit sad that I am not required to suit up for work this spring. Barney would be disappointed.

Classes are... classes. This is my first semester ever with no math, and it's a little bit weird to not think numerically at all for the entire week. No math means that everything is text-based, which is actually quite a bit of work. I also completely ignored my math classes, so having another class I should actually prepare for is going to be tough. But combined with work and my general apathy about classwork, I haven't been doing any of the reading for anything, and just generally have no idea what's going on in any class. Having all 5 of them in a row on Tuesdays and Thursdays (20 minutes breaks between each one to move between classes!) doesn't help that either, since they all kind of run together in my mind and I have no idea which syllabus had what on it. Oh well.

College Dems continues to be a good experience, although it really does add some hectic days into my schedule. Going straight from work to fast food dinner to setting up for an event doesn't leave much me time. I continue to be very pleased with the organization, though. We've made it much more social and really done a lot better at keeping a large and active base of members than in years past. Especially awesome since no big election fun this year to motivate people. This upcoming Friday we have our one-year Obama Inauguration anniversary party and it should be really good. Tons of political dorks who will be showing up prepared to have fun. And E has a cute dress to wear to it!

It's only been a week, but my body is sore all over and I'm pretty exhausted. Since classes haven't really ramped up yet, I've still been getting to hang out with E frequently, which is nice but certainly not perfect for my sleep schedule.

I continue to battle occasional feelings of hating it here. The group of friends I really want to have just doesn't exist, and that doesn't help my insecurity about being clingy with E. The whole thing kind of builds on itself and is just shittastic sometimes. I felt like being really busy would help push this aside and let me enjoy life more simply, but weekends are still weekends and not yet full of backed up classwork to use as an excuse for not doing fun things with fun people. One of these days I'll learn how to convert acquaintances into real friends and life will be better.

Life+

I've never so frequently alternated between having things be great and having them not be great. It's kind of exciting on some level, but then again I guess I really would just prefer constant greatness.

Anyway, one thing that isn't great is that you don't have a tumblr yet. Go get one. Now.

Tumble, tumble, tumble

I've decided Tumblr is a much easier platform for sharing my thoughts/quirks/life with you people.

I'll still be back here occasionally for the more thoughtful or private moment, but will be much more active over there.

VaguelyCycnical Tumblr // The RSS Feed

Hopefully it will be a nice mix of nerdy political/other things and life stuff.

Things That Make You Smile

Date: Wed, Dec 2, 2009 at 12:23 AM
Subject: trying to find someone: 80691_200903
To:


Hi everyone. This is kinda embarrassing but im trying
to find someone that's in the class. All I really kno
about him is that he has these incredible blue eyes.
If you get this message I just wanted to say hey and
let u kno that as much as I like starting at
those eyes from across the room I'd like it even
more if I got to kno more about u. Ur welcome to
sit with me in class this thursday, if not its no
big deal. Ciao.
--
Also: Forwarded e-mail about a certain fraternity hopeful.

Life Update

Written in the style of an e-mail to the Grandparents... because that's what it is.

--

Overall, I'm having another good year, and am looking forward to both Christmas vacation and next semester.

The semester started out a little bit rocky for me. I ended up being assigned to the worst (half-)sophomore dorm on campus, in a single. It was far from the center of things and just not a great experience. With most of my friends living completely diagonally across campus, it was not a very good situation. I find more and more each year how much I like to be around people, and being isolated in a single room felt more like solitary confinement. Luckily(!) I was able to swap rooms with someone else less than a month into the semester. I ended up moving into what is probably the second nicest dorm on campus, with 3 roommates, and am enjoying life a lot more now. It's much closer to both classes and friends, and just generally is a much happier place.

The other thing that was causing me to be somewhat unhappy was how much free time I had. It sounds a little weird, but after the whirlwind of classes and internship that was last spring, just taking classes left me with so many empty hours that I felt a little bit useless. Luckily (again!) a spot opened up on the board of the main student organization I have been involved with on campus, the College Democrats. I beat out 25 other applicants for the position and got on the board about a month and a half ago. Especially in the run-up to the November election, we had a very busy event schedule and lots of interesting people circulating around. Since then it has slowed down a little bit, but continues to be a great experience. It's definitely filling up a ton of my free time and is serving as a good avenue to meet lots of new (politically-interested) people.

We are the largest student organization on campus, with 1,100 current members and an e-mail list of over 5,500 past and current students. Most weeks we have 3 or 4 events, with each attended by a good group of members. We try to have good variety in our programming, so sometimes it is just a speaker while other times it's an educational program or event geared toward advocating our policy preferences. We have had a lot of really interesting speakers thus far, and have some more big names planned for the spring. David Plouffe, Obama's 2008 campaign manager, has been our biggest so far, and most personally exciting, since he is pretty much who I want to be when I grow up. Others from the top of my head were Reps. Filner, Rahall, Conyers, and Israel; former VP Walter Mondale; Michael Moore; and former Secretary of Commerce and Transportation Norm Mineta, whose PAC ran a day and a half long campaign training seminar that I attended on campus. The airport we often fly out of in San Jose is named after him, so it was nice to get to meet him!

Classes are pretty bland this semester. I'm fulfilling my political thought distribution requirement, and philosophy has never been a passion of mine, so I am pretty much just counting down the days until that is done. My International Political Economy class is more interesting than I thought it would be, especially in light of our current crisis situation. Surveying and Sampling is taught as a discussion-based statistics course, which is pretty odd, but sometimes fascinating. My favorite class is probably my introductory journalism writing class, where I get to play with words and have fun writing. My professor was a founding partner at USA Today, wrote some books uncovering the New York mob, and now works at the Center for Public Integrity (a non-profit investigative research institution), and is absolutely full of stories. As I mentioned before, I am taking Chinese currently, and it is definitely not easy. Learning the characters and the tones to go with every syllable is pretty intense, but is going surprisingly well. That being said, I think this will be my only semester of the language. Just don't have a passion for it. 我不喜欢说中文。(I don't like to speak Chinese.)

I'm planning on having an internship again next semester, and have worked out a class schedule conducive to it. I'll be having class only on Tuesdays and Thursdays, pretty much all day, leaving the rest of the week open to internship work. I'm hoping that I can land a paid internship at a political consulting/vendor firm. My current top choice is with a company that researches and designs congressional and campaign websites, with a heavy dose of nerdy data analysis. Another potential option is with the firm that produced all of the direct mail pieces for Obama's 2008 campaign. If I can't secure a paying position, I'll probably end up somewhere like the Democratic Governors' Association (DGA) where I can be close to campaign management teams. I began sending out resumes and letters of interest this past week and am starting to get a slow trickle of responses, so hopefully something works out!

My classes next semester are nothing too special, aimed mostly at fulfilling distribution requirements and fitting into an internship-friendly schedule. I think Legislative Politics should be interesting, as well as Media Law, though.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are both fast approaching! Tickets home for the short Thanksgiving break were too expensive, so I am relaxing in DC and staying with [cousins] for the holiday. It will be very nice to get quality cooking into me and some good relaxation time. Although with a big paper due the Monday after, there may not be tons of that!

I hope that you are both doing well and aren't having to do too much to have an enjoyable Thanksgiving.

Claptrap

Haven't updated in a while... don't feel like writing something long.

Been to a bunch of really cool events recently and have met a bunch of interesting and/or famous people. College Dems is continuing to keep me busy. Classes are boring. I have a girlfriend. She's cute. My roommates are still kind of weird. I'm sad I am not coming home for Thanksgiving. Christmas break will be good. Internship hunting is monotonous and ongoing.

Love,

Halloween

Yeah, I'm going to be looking great tonight.

Here's to breaking my long tradition of shitty Halloweens. Really the only good one was when I met all of you people. Oh target costumes.

For the Win

I love being happily busy enough to not have the time/inclination to write much on here.

Life's been good. The college dems position I'm in now is certainly a large time commitment, but continues to be a good experience. A lot of opportunities to do cool things and meet interesting people. Yesterday evening I was part of a small group of GW students who went to go "shoot the shit" with the Congressman I interned for (although this was random). Tonight I was at an undergraduate political awards dinner hosted by Ed Henry, Luke Russert, James Kotecki, and a few lesser names. Got bored partway through that and went downstairs to an event about breast cancer with Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz and Senator Klobuchar, both of whom are generally pretty incredible.

For the political nerd that is me, it's a lot of fun!

Midterms went pretty well, although I haven't gotten any grades back yet, so maybe I should be quiet. Chinese still kicks my ass occasionally, but since I have decided not to take any more of it past this semester, it's not too much of a weight on my shoulders. 你姐! Should be studying for a quiz tomorrow right now, but meh.

I have figured out what classes I want to register in a couple weeks and am starting to look for an internship. All of this is exciting too! My Excel document for choosing classes was much simpler this semester, unlike the triple-color coded beauty of last time.

The new roommates continue to have their quirks, but so much better than living alone in the hellhole that was the previous dorm. I'd rather listen to bible study occasionally than hear nothing but my own thoughts. My roommate (not the other 2 suitemates) seems to pretty much never go to class and sleeps the weirdest hours ever. Glad I have had you all to condition me about what to expect from Azns.

Speaking of Asians... well this can wait until later when I can speak firmly about it. Stay tuned!

Expectations

I guess when I have been spoiled in the past and experienced perfection, I really shouldn't let that prevent me from enjoying the really good.

Take it as it comes, Nate, and enjoy it.

Status Quo

I'm happy. It's weird to say, but it's the truth as I have come to understand it.

This is pretty far from where I was a little over a week ago, as I experienced my first anxiety attack ever. Walked around campus and calmed myself by talking to K, who is absolutely amazing. Ended up coming back a little later and I resorted to talking to Katie, who I had avoided conversing with for almost a week in an effort to feel better.

That morning, I had written an emotional letter to her and dropped it in the mail. Such a nice way to release emotions.

By the time the next night was over with, I was happy. It had some to do with getting the position in the college democrats organization I wanted. It had a lot to do with having a fun weekend, which proved to me that I CAN still have fun. But I think it also had a lot to do with a fundamental internal shift away from thinking about what I could have had, and toward thinking about what I want to (and can) have.

I'm back to chasing cute girls and feeling let down when my clever little flirtatiousness is not returned. The thrill of the hunt is livening and something I have really missed. Although also not something I feel like experiencing frequently for TOO long.

Getting the college dems board position has been huge for me so far. Very nice to feel busy again. It's a much more active organization than I had realized even as a relatively active member. So much money involved, and a lot of really dedicated colleagues. Get to do some cool stuff!

P.S. I miss being around asian girls at home who always have their cameras with them and ready to go. My facebook picture list is failure.

Ehhh

I think my post on the 24th was false. Or not false, but fleeting. I could almost write a similar one now, but it would probably be just as temporary.

The Art of Being Uppity

Words my political philosophy professor, who is stunningly full of himself, used today:

dialectic
renunciation
neuroses
bifurcation
libidinal
sublimating

(A limited selection)